Venting and external locus of control

One of the ways I most frequently identify (in myself and others) that I'm engaging with an external locus of control is venting. Venting is usually a way for someone to say what they've left bottled up unsaid to a confidant to release built-up tension. While it can provide relief in the moment, inevitably the external-locus-of-control-venter does not address the problem that is causing them to need to vent, and will continue to feel the need to vent again and again.

It's also a useful signal! If you feel a strong urge to vent frequently, it's usually a sign that you're letting things happen to you. And the antidote is to internalize that locus of control.

These are the steps that I take:

• Ask yourself how you want this specific situation to be different.
• Identify what can be made into specific and direct requests, and what would be unreasonable to ask.
  • Note: a lot of the time, the unreasonable requests are not requests I would ever actually make. But in a heightened emotional state, these unreasonable requests are often floating around in my head, and it's helpful to list them out so that I can identify where I am being irrational.
• Of the things that would be unreasonable to ask, ask yourself "what is the need that is being unmet? Is there a way for me to provide that to myself?"

A concrete example is helpful here. Let's say that I'm frustrated with my friend because she keeps cancelling on our plans at the last minute for work. She started a new job recently and it's taking up a lot of her free time!

• What I want to be different: I want to spend as much time with my friend as I used to. I miss seeing her all the time.
• Direct vs unreasonable requests
  • Direct: I want you to honor the plans that we make and only cancel if it's truly not possible for you to make them. I'd rather you tell me that you can't commit to something than say yes and then cancel at the last minute.
  • Unreasonable: I want you to prioritize me over your job. I want you to show up to our plans even if it means you're incredibly stressed out.
• Unmet needs + how to meet them
  • Unmet need: I still want to be as social as I was before my friend got the new job.
  • Solutions: I can make plans with other friends, go to events to make new friends, and maybe make plans to see my friend for lunch at her new office on the weekdays!

Locus of control

The practice I developed above was inspired by learning about the locus of control framework. Your locus of control is simply your default answer to the question "why did this happen?".

If you have an external locus of control, you tend to believe that things are happening to you. For example, someone with an external locus of control might believe that they didn't pass their job interview because it wasn't meant to be, or because the labor market is too competitive right now, or because the interviewer didn't like them. These are of course real things that could happen, but the focus is on what is outside of the person.

Someone with an internal locus of control, on the other hand, will believe that they didn't pass their job interview because they didn't prepare enough for the questions that were asked, or because they haven't developed enough relevant experience, or because they weren't the most competitive candidate. The important difference is the belief that the outcome could have been different if they had acted in a different way -- that the outcomes are within their control.

Fundamentally, to have a strong internal locus of control is to take radical responsibility for outcomes in your life. It doesn't mean that everything (especially negative events) are your fault, but handling them to the best of your ability is your responsibility.